Lincoln’s Evil Twin in Today’s Political and Business Ethos

A penny for your thoughts: How would Abraham Lincoln’s evil twin behave in an alternate universe given the American political and business ethos of today? Let’s call him Dishonest Abe.

In this alternate world, Dishonest Abe represented MyTell, a children’s toy company that was a subsidiary of a megamillion conglomerate, Fleecem.  Under dubious circumstances, Abe ‘obtained’ the rights for the design of a new product that would significantly increase company profits but for the projected high costs of production.

Working as a lobbyist, Abe ‘influenced’ key members in Congress to stymie a proposed bill that would have abolished slave labor pay with a living minimum hourly wage law.  Bad Abraham also possessed inside information that his company was finalizing negotiations with the Chinese for inexpensive, lightweight wood products needed for production.  

Armed with this information, DA as he was known to intimates, astutely accepted remuneration for his lobbying services with compensation in stock options rather than direct monetary payment.  In this way, he avoided the higher income taxes with a lower capital gains tax rate when he cashed his stock options.  He also purchased additional shares in MyTell before the news of the pending deal with the Chinese was released to the public.

The new product sold at record levels, increasing the value of the company stock, which made DA wealthy, and earned him a spot on the corporate board of directors.  Abe possessed the political foresight to label the new toy Lincoln Logs thereby ensuring name recognition for his future political aspirations.

After the initial surge in the stock price, the Board took measures to ‘water’ the stock’s value to continue its’ price momentum.  Alternate Lincoln timed the sale of his stock near price peak that provided him with the wealth needed to run for president.   As a candidate, he would resist efforts to have his tax records released for public disclosure.

With seed money in hand, Dishonest Abraham began his run for the presidency, but he needed additional backers to finance his campaign.  Meanwhile, the copper industry—suffering from a slump in sales of copper gutters that were replaced with aluminum—found a willing political ally who embraced the idea of a copper coin.

After his successful election, the new President initiated a push for minting the penny for which he received a two cents kickback from the copper industry for every 100 pennies minted by the government.   The coin even bore his profile.   The political payoff created still another tiff with the Copperheads, the political opposition party that thought it possessed the inside track for the political penny payback. Their talking heads feigned moral indignation aired on favored networks.

Alternate President Lincoln met his demise while seated in his luxury box at Ford’s Field, for which the auto giant paid a huge sum for the naming rights. The government subsidized the building’s construction, and added a 20-year property tax abatement as well as tax incremental financing on concession sales. The huge Jumbotron belted out its’ customary commercials during a TV timeout so no one heard the sound of the well-timed retorts of the AK-47 bullet spray.

Four-score and seven years later, the devalued penny diminished residuals to the Lincoln family to such an extent that great grandson Jeremiah Lincoln sought reparations.  Jeremiah double-downed with his two cents worth in one of his endless tweets on the subject:   “The penny is now an ironic coin, for it is good for only one thing: It saves you from getting four more pennies back in change.”    

Meanwhile, the copper industry continued its effort to keep the one-cent piece in circulation.  Noting that it was now deemed the ironic coin, the copper industry added iron to the penny’s alloy, a move that added the weight of the iron industry as lobby partner to influence the government to continue circulation of the senseless cent. The farm bureau added its own push with the hope of the return of the wheat on the coin’s flip side to coincide with the thrust up the nation’s backside.

The lobbyists coined their own adage by conversing the truism that a penny’s only value serves to save one from receiving four more in change.

Their timeless maxim provides: “Every cent paid to Congress earns four cents in return.”